Today is 16 weeks that Michael has been gone. I guess I should go ahead and let those of you that don't know, know....on the autopsy report, cause of death is: Pneumonia due to mixed drug (Xanax and Oxycontin) and alcohol, But, and this is the part that bugs me the MOST...he survived SEVERAL HOURS in a coma, so he could have been saved, if they would have called 911 right then, when they knew he needed help or if they would have called us....I know we cant bring him back, but it just pisses me off so much to know that they basically LET him die, and it is kinda strange that someone took the time to get his wallet out of the pants he was wearing and took his ID and Social Security Card, and WHY would they do that.....your guess is as good as mine.....
OK so I'm done with that, I had another memory I want to share, I think its kinda funny and I hope you do too. I was in the living room and all three of my kids were in one of their rooms, and I could here them talking, it was when we still lived in Texas and I was still married to their first step dad, and I decided to sneak over by the door and listen to the conversation, they were talking about how he was a pretty "neat" guy and he was fun "sometimes" well when they "caught" me listening, they started telling me, "mom, we don't want you to have anymore kids, can't you get one of those things where you cant have anymore kids.....you know, a lobotomy" OMG I thought I was gonna die from laughter, but isn't it these little silly things that we will remember for the rest of our lives, I don't think I will EVER forget it.
Its weird, how every little thing that I remember, makes me miss him that much more and wish even more that he was still here with us, and just like yesterday, we were all loading up to go over to Bethy's new home and first thing I thought was, Mikey should be here with us.......and we know he is in our hearts but its not the same.
Some days I feel like my heart is gonna explode because it cant take it anymore, I never knew I was capable of THIS much love...its awesome to know but at the same time it's sad that I had to find out this way.
I know this post is kinda boring for some of you, maybe, I don't know, I'm guessing, but I need to stop because here come the tears and I cant see to type anymore, I would like to ask that you say a prayer for my mother, she is back in the hospital, they think she has had, or is having a heart attack....so please keep us in your prayers, I cannot lose her yet, I still need her.......
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Every time the phone rings...
Well yesterday I answered the phone and it was a mans voice, he asked for Michael, my heart stopped for a minute, I had to tell someone else that my son had passed away......I HATE that, it still breaks my heart even more, and then I have to cry for a minute, I miss my son sooo much, I don't think I can ever really express exactly how much I do miss him, and I don't think anyone will REALLY ever comprehend unless you have lost someone THAT close to you. I used to think I knew how someone felt after losing someone, but I didn't, NOW I do.
Well Michael's brother is home, I don't know how he is dealing with the loss of his only brother, and I'm afraid to ask, cause I'll just lose it again....
OK but anyway, enough of that, I gotta tell y'all, that when Michael was little oh he was so loving, he could never have just one kiss, he had to have bunches, lol, and no one had a smile like him, his little eyes just sparkled, and still did even when he was older, that is probably the ONLY thing their "father" ever gave them was their eyes.....
I remember one day Michael was outside playing and I was out there too, but I was going back in the house, at that time I was a smoker, so I threw my cigarette on the ground and walked inside, something told me to look out the window, I did, and what did I see?...Michael picked up my cigarette and was fixin to stick it in his mouth, I screamed and he jumped, lol...it was funny, the way he jumped.
Michael was also always scared, whenever we would give him a bath, he was so afraid that he was gonna go down the drain, not sure why, lol, but it was cute in a way....
You know, he had a ton of awesome and amazing and TRUE friends, but it was the people he started hanging out with just a few short months before he died, that led to his death, and I will ALWAYS believe that if he had not met them, OR if he had stopped being friends with them, he would still be with us, and I will NEVER think anything different, so please please please, choose your friends every carefully and kids if you are reading this, LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS PLEASE!
well I can feel I good cry coming on, and I need to stop writing until tomorrow, this is getting to me today, but I really hope if you are reading this, that you enjoy it......
Well Michael's brother is home, I don't know how he is dealing with the loss of his only brother, and I'm afraid to ask, cause I'll just lose it again....
OK but anyway, enough of that, I gotta tell y'all, that when Michael was little oh he was so loving, he could never have just one kiss, he had to have bunches, lol, and no one had a smile like him, his little eyes just sparkled, and still did even when he was older, that is probably the ONLY thing their "father" ever gave them was their eyes.....
I remember one day Michael was outside playing and I was out there too, but I was going back in the house, at that time I was a smoker, so I threw my cigarette on the ground and walked inside, something told me to look out the window, I did, and what did I see?...Michael picked up my cigarette and was fixin to stick it in his mouth, I screamed and he jumped, lol...it was funny, the way he jumped.
Michael was also always scared, whenever we would give him a bath, he was so afraid that he was gonna go down the drain, not sure why, lol, but it was cute in a way....
You know, he had a ton of awesome and amazing and TRUE friends, but it was the people he started hanging out with just a few short months before he died, that led to his death, and I will ALWAYS believe that if he had not met them, OR if he had stopped being friends with them, he would still be with us, and I will NEVER think anything different, so please please please, choose your friends every carefully and kids if you are reading this, LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS PLEASE!
well I can feel I good cry coming on, and I need to stop writing until tomorrow, this is getting to me today, but I really hope if you are reading this, that you enjoy it......
Sunday, April 24, 2011
telling the story and remembering little things.....
Ok I'm back but before I move on with the story, I have to tell you this, something that is so funny, I don't know why, but this keeps popping back up, lol. I remember when Michael was starting kindergarten, we lived about 3 blocks from where Critter and Bethy went to school, but that's also where Michael would get on the bus. Well this was going to be his first day to ride the bus, (let me just tell you this) Michael's school and their school looked EXACTLY the same..... so first I walked Michael to the school to catch the bus, I told him I loved him and gave him a kiss, I watched him get on the bus and watched it leave, I walked back home to get the other two, they still had about 45 minutes before their school started so we finished getting them ready and when it was time I walked them to school, when we got there, who did we see standing there....Michael, he had rode the bus to all the school and I guess he got confused and rode it back to their school, lmao, he looked so sad and cute at the same time, all I could do was hug him, so we walked back home and I drove him to his school, lol, I will NEVER forget that.......
So, Now back to the story, me and the kids drove down to Texas and met my sister's neighbor that she had been going on and on about, well we hit it off and he was great, long story short, we ended up moving back to Texas but when he came out here with me to check on my stuff in storage, he loved it here so much that we ended up back here in New Mexico...imagine that, lol. We got married on October 8,2005
It's been hard and we have all had our ups and downs just like everyone, and he and the boys sometimes had issues, but only because he didn't want them to end up where Michael ended up anyway, and we just wanted the best for all three of the kids.
Michael had moved in and out of the house a few times, I just wish he had moved back in again before this all happened, and MAYBE he would still be with us......
So, Now back to the story, me and the kids drove down to Texas and met my sister's neighbor that she had been going on and on about, well we hit it off and he was great, long story short, we ended up moving back to Texas but when he came out here with me to check on my stuff in storage, he loved it here so much that we ended up back here in New Mexico...imagine that, lol. We got married on October 8,2005
It's been hard and we have all had our ups and downs just like everyone, and he and the boys sometimes had issues, but only because he didn't want them to end up where Michael ended up anyway, and we just wanted the best for all three of the kids.
Michael had moved in and out of the house a few times, I just wish he had moved back in again before this all happened, and MAYBE he would still be with us......
Saturday, April 23, 2011
on with the story...
Ok so i am back, all 3 of my kids were always happy, we didn't always have money and sometimes we struggled, but we stuck together no matter what...We were the 4 musketeers.
Things weren't working out too well in Texas so i met what i thought was Mr. Right and we ended up moving to New Mexico, well he turned out to be Mr. Wrong, but we stayed in New Mexico anyway.
In May of 2002 Michael got really sick and after a couple of hospitalizations, they sent us to Denver Children's Hospital, he went into liver failure and they put him on the waiting list for a transplant, Michael was 13 and had his 14th birthday in the hospital. He looked at me one day and asked me, " Mom, am I gonna die" and i just knew that he wasn't so i said, " Baby, God didn't bring us this far just to let you die" And i was so not scared there, I just knew he was gonna be alright, even the doctors and nurses would tell me, that i was such a strong person, well that's because strong was the only choice i had...EVER.
So on September 4, 2002 he got his transplant, I still remember they told me, he will be out for 24 hours, but when i went to the recovery room he was wide awake...they had tubes everywhere and iv's. They had his hands strapped down so he couldn't pull out the tubes so he made a motion with his hand like he wanted to write, he couldn't talk because he had a tube down his throat. So i gave him a pencil and i held the notepad, on it, he wrote, "WALK" i told him you cant walk right now, so he wrote, "DRINK" i told him no again, he wrote, "ICE" and again i had to tell him no, so he turned the pencil sideways and broke it with his thumb, and I knew he was gonna be ok for sure, then.
We ended up getting to go home in October and back to Critter and Bethany, it was great.
Life was good, we didn't have alot, but we had each other.
So the next summer around August of 2003, my sister Judy who lives in Texas, kept telling me when we would talk on the phone, " You need to come down and meet my neighbor, he is so cute and so sweet" so finally I gave in and me and the kids loaded up for one of our many road trips that we took to Texas......I'll end here but you'll find out what happened with the neighbor, if you tune in tomorrow......see ya then!
Things weren't working out too well in Texas so i met what i thought was Mr. Right and we ended up moving to New Mexico, well he turned out to be Mr. Wrong, but we stayed in New Mexico anyway.
In May of 2002 Michael got really sick and after a couple of hospitalizations, they sent us to Denver Children's Hospital, he went into liver failure and they put him on the waiting list for a transplant, Michael was 13 and had his 14th birthday in the hospital. He looked at me one day and asked me, " Mom, am I gonna die" and i just knew that he wasn't so i said, " Baby, God didn't bring us this far just to let you die" And i was so not scared there, I just knew he was gonna be alright, even the doctors and nurses would tell me, that i was such a strong person, well that's because strong was the only choice i had...EVER.
So on September 4, 2002 he got his transplant, I still remember they told me, he will be out for 24 hours, but when i went to the recovery room he was wide awake...they had tubes everywhere and iv's. They had his hands strapped down so he couldn't pull out the tubes so he made a motion with his hand like he wanted to write, he couldn't talk because he had a tube down his throat. So i gave him a pencil and i held the notepad, on it, he wrote, "WALK" i told him you cant walk right now, so he wrote, "DRINK" i told him no again, he wrote, "ICE" and again i had to tell him no, so he turned the pencil sideways and broke it with his thumb, and I knew he was gonna be ok for sure, then.
We ended up getting to go home in October and back to Critter and Bethany, it was great.
Life was good, we didn't have alot, but we had each other.
So the next summer around August of 2003, my sister Judy who lives in Texas, kept telling me when we would talk on the phone, " You need to come down and meet my neighbor, he is so cute and so sweet" so finally I gave in and me and the kids loaded up for one of our many road trips that we took to Texas......I'll end here but you'll find out what happened with the neighbor, if you tune in tomorrow......see ya then!
This is the beginning....
Ok, so first off, let me say, I have never blogged before, so if you follow it, great and if you don't, then that's ok too.
Michael is my youngest son. He was born August 7, 1988 and we lost him on January 8, 2011 but let me give you a little of our history so you can kinda get to know us. He was a big ole 10 pound baby (had to have emergency c-section). He was so beautiful. I remember the doctors telling me that the only way I could hold him is if someone actually picked him up for me and handed him to me for the first few days. And my mother made some of his clothes, because we had bought all newborn things, thinking he would be a normal sized newborn...NOT.
I loved watching him grow, and his big brother and big sister, Jeffrey aka Critter and Bethany weren't quite sure what to make of him just yet, but they eventually came around and he was their little brother and they loved him and protected him ALWAYS, Well until he got big enough to want to play with their toys too, lol. And soon enough they learned that once again, they had to share.
I will go ahead and skip ahead, and just to let you know, both of my boys were born with an immune deficiency called Bruton's X-linked Aggammaglobulinemia, and had to get an iv treatment every month for the rest of their lives. In the beginning, we made trips to the childrens hospital in Dallas Tx, it was hard for them to get a needle stuck in their little hands and arms so we had a mediport or portacath surgically placed and that made it alot easier on them.
Eventually we found a doctor closer to home in Fort Worth Texas, but i learned to do the treatments at home, so that really made it easier.
Me and their father had divorced and i was remarried, but it wasnt working out, so as not to bore you I am going to skip ahead just a little bit.........
Michael is my youngest son. He was born August 7, 1988 and we lost him on January 8, 2011 but let me give you a little of our history so you can kinda get to know us. He was a big ole 10 pound baby (had to have emergency c-section). He was so beautiful. I remember the doctors telling me that the only way I could hold him is if someone actually picked him up for me and handed him to me for the first few days. And my mother made some of his clothes, because we had bought all newborn things, thinking he would be a normal sized newborn...NOT.
I loved watching him grow, and his big brother and big sister, Jeffrey aka Critter and Bethany weren't quite sure what to make of him just yet, but they eventually came around and he was their little brother and they loved him and protected him ALWAYS, Well until he got big enough to want to play with their toys too, lol. And soon enough they learned that once again, they had to share.
I will go ahead and skip ahead, and just to let you know, both of my boys were born with an immune deficiency called Bruton's X-linked Aggammaglobulinemia, and had to get an iv treatment every month for the rest of their lives. In the beginning, we made trips to the childrens hospital in Dallas Tx, it was hard for them to get a needle stuck in their little hands and arms so we had a mediport or portacath surgically placed and that made it alot easier on them.
Eventually we found a doctor closer to home in Fort Worth Texas, but i learned to do the treatments at home, so that really made it easier.
Me and their father had divorced and i was remarried, but it wasnt working out, so as not to bore you I am going to skip ahead just a little bit.........
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