just wondering, and talking to Michael..

So I have been wondering...alot lately, did you know something, were they afraid you were gonna tell, were you a threat to them about something, did you know too much, I cant answer these questions for sure, but I think I am right, there is no other explanation...it doesn't make sense.....one day the truth will come out though...

Well let me just tell y'all that I talk to Michael all the time, sometimes when I talk to him, I ask him to talk to God for me, well he must have done it, because the things I asked for help with, seem to be happening, and I mean as soon as the next day, it just amazes me sometimes.

I miss you more than ever, the last few days have been extremely hard and I'm not even sure why, it's been a little worse than normal.

The other day I heard someone say, " when you lose a child, it's not something you will EVER get over, it's just something you have to learn to live with"  I believe that to be true.

Sitting here I can usually handle writing to you and about you, but not today, so I will close for now...

I love you Michael, See You When I See You....miss you bunches.....

Walking away and looking back...

I was thinking all weekend, Michael was on my mind really strong, all I could think about was when i said my final goodbye, leaned down to kiss him, walked away from him and tried not to look back one last time, but I just had too, and when I did I got a from birth til then super fast slide show of my baby's  life. Knowing that this time, when i said bye, it would be the LAST time.  I miss him so much.  I know I will see him again someday, but that doesn't ease my pain, and I don't think it will until that day finally arrives.

Critter was standing outside, the other day, in our front yard, and I just caught a glimpse, but it took my breath away for a minute, because, for a split second, it looked EXACTLY like Mikey, and it's just little things like that, that set me off, and I have one of my "moments".  Mostly I have them at night when I am all alone, just me and my thoughts, but sometimes, I don't have a choice and they just happen whenever.

In case you don't know, it's the hardest thing you will ever do, to walk away from your child's coffin, I would have traded places with him in a heartbeat.

For those of you who never had the chance to know my son, he was the most amazing person. He had a huge heart of gold, and he would help anyone.  He had the most beautiful and shy smile, and his eyes were the bluest blue.  He was very quiet until you got to know him and even then still pretty laid back.  He had some really awesome friends, and yea sometimes some friends that weren't really friends at all, and its those people that led to where he is now.

One of these days, they are gonna slip up and they will have to pay for what they have done, or maybe they will finally step and do the right thing and admit it, but I highly doubt that.

Well I think I am good for now, I just had to let some things out...thanks for reading


I love You Mikey, See You When I See You!

our little talks..

I sure do miss the little talks that we used to have, when non one was around, and it was just you and me hanging out.  I think we could talk about anything, and I still talk to you, and I pray you can hear me.  The last couple of nights, haven't been good, you were on my mind more than usual.  I wish, everyday, that I could turn back time, and I still pray to God and ask him to please let you come home, yea I know how silly that is but i guess it's just the mother in me, I MISS MY SON!

I hate counting the minutes, hours, days, weeks months that you have been gone, it's not fair and I wish I could change it.

Right now, I am working on something, I don't know if it could be called a poem or what, but I do anything to try to bring some kind of peace, but so far, nothing works, in the end you are still not here, and in the end it is still somebodies stupidity and still someones fault.  I always tried to teach you kids to not hate, so I hope God can forgive me because I HATE the bastards that let this happen to you. And yea, I know, everyone says you are in a better place and I know that's true and they say oh you are here in spirit, but I want you HERE....NOW.....

I really miss you Michael, and I just pray that you know that.....

I love you, Son
See You When I See You...