One Year

Ok so first of all let me say, Mikey, I love you and miss you so much, you could never have imagined how much you are loved and missed…

Well today is one year since my son has passed away, I miss him more than ever, every night when I go to bed I tell him how much I love him, I talk to him during the day and even though it has been a year, I still lose it every now and then…

In the beginning I wondered if it gets any easier, but I already know, it doesn’t…and I don’t want it too, why should I get the easy way out, he didn’t.

It just really makes me sad that the people that were supposed to be his friends just let him die, that still gets to me every day, he was such a beautiful and amazing person, he was so giving and helpful to everyone he knew, even the idiot losers who basically killed him, but I know even he would forgive them, that’s just how sweet he was….i don’t know if they were just jealous of him or if he knew too much, there was a lot of bad stuff going on there that he knew about….

Anyway if you didn’t have the honor of knowing him, boy did you miss out, he was so amazing, and yes I do take a little of the credit, since I did raise him, lol

I just wish I could hug him one more time and tell him I love him.  But I know if I had that chance I wouldn’t want to ever let him go…

I know I will see him again someday and that will be a happy day and I know has the most beautiful smile in heaven and God must have needed a very special person and that’s why he chose Michael…

I love you son, and miss you more than I can ever express…

See You When I See You

Something I recently remembered....

So, most of you know, that when Michael was 14, he had a liver transplant, one of the things that has always touched my heart was during the time he was on the waiting list, I guess he overheard bits and pieces of conversations between the doctors and me.  We weren't sure if the donor was gonna be a live donor or what, i had volunteered and also a friend of mine had volunteered.

Well I remember the morning the call came, it was about 2 am, I was in the Ronald McDonald House, across the street from the hospital, they told me they had a perfect match....When I got to Michael's room, he was wide awake....he knew something was up, as soon as I told him, he said" I don't want it" I'm sure he was so very scared.

Anyway, the surgery took all day.  I remember sitting in the waiting room crying, I was so scared.  There was a lady sitting next to me and she was upset as well.  We started talking, she told me her son was supposed to have surgery but the surgeon had been called in to do an emergency liver transplant, i told her, that was my son, so there we sat both of us hugging each other and worried about our sons....

A few days later, when the surgeon came in to check on Michael, he grabbed the Dr and hugged him so tight and he he was crying, he told him, thank you for saving my life and he kept asking, "is the other kid alright"?  He didn't know, at that time, the donor was a 12 year old boy named Josh, who had been killed in a car accident, so we had to tell him.....i think he always felt guilty for that......


OK, whew...now the sad stuff out of the way, and i have had to stop for a minute........

We had gone down to Texas to visit my mom, after his surgery.....well he was on all these meds and some of them made his hair grow, almost uncontrollably, well his eyebrows were out of control, so we bought one of those little trimmers and he wanted me to trim them for him, so here we go, into my mom's bathroom, all the other kids waiting outside the door, well right when I started trimming, he coughed without warning me, well, there was a big gash right in the middle of his eyebrow...I didn't mean to laugh, and he was so mad...One of their little friends, she was so sweet, she did hers that way, just to make him feel better, lol

So I just wanted to share those two moments with y'all, both of them had been on my mind lately, so I figured Mikey must have wanted me to tell y'all the stories, I hope y'all enjoyed them.....

I miss him so much and I always will....


Love you Mikey, See You When I See You!

How and why did I forget????

Well, most of you know, that Michael had a liver transplant on September 4, 2002, and he and I used to always remember it on the day and we would talk about it.  We would NEVER forget, so why did i suddenly realize the other day, that i had forgotten the date that has always been so important to me...I felt so guilty, and it broke my heart.  I didn't mean to forget, I just wish i knew why I did.

I still miss Mikey more than ever, and I still break down and cry sometimes, and some days its an all day thing.....this is probably the most hurtful and heartbreaking thing I have ever had to try to survive, and not sure how much longer I can, all I can do is take it one day at a time....and it's something I hope anyone I know, never has to go through it......

Now on another note, I was sitting here thinking about when we were still living in Texas, before we ever moved out here to New Mexico, we were planting a garden one year, and we were discussing all the things we were going to plant, and Mikey came up to me and asked me if we could plant some bananas, lol, I told him yes....so after a few weeks of him asking me how they were doing, I snuck outside and buried some in the garden, I let him go and dig them up, he was so happy that we had grown bananas, lol, I NEVER told him what I had done, it's just another one of my special little memories that I will hold dear to my heart forever.

I don't know if anyone enjoys reading this, but it sure does help me to write it....and even if one person enjoys it, then I am thankful........


So I love you Mikey, and I will See You When I See You, and I will never stop loving or missing you my baby boy......

just remembering...

OK, well, I was thinking about this the other day, and thought I would share it with y'all....I might have told a couple people when it happened, not sure, but anyway, it has been on my mind....

I remember the minute the paramedic told me that Michael was gone, and from that very second I started thinking, if I could only hear him say I love you, one more time, if he could only tell me one more time....that's all i could think about and I even prayed, Dear God, please let him tell me one more time.  Well in our house on my side of the closet, there is a shelf above my clothes, I NEVER touch anything on this shelf, NEVER, because there isn't anything on it that I need, so after a couple of days of asking God to please let me know that Michael knew how much I loved him and let me know that he loved me, I opened the closet door for something, and there on the floor was a piece of paper.....It was a letter Michael had written to Gilbert and me last year. Now I know it wasn't there before, because it was right where I put my shoes and i would have seen it. 

Anyway, in the letter he was telling us how much he loved us both and h ow he had been struggling and he knew that everything was gonna be ok......

All I could do was cry because that letter just showed up, out of nowhere, my prayers had been answered.

I guess he has his little ways of letting us know he is with us. 

I know this pain will never go away, I'm not even sure if it will ease.  I miss my son so much and still don't understand, but I know he is up there watching over us now.....

So I just wanted to share that with y'all

I love you, Mikey, See You When I See You.......

It has been too long....

Well I know it has been awhile since I have written anything, and I will try to not do that anymore.  So, Sunday was Michael's birthday, we had cherry cheesecake just like he always asked for, I made 2, one for him and one for us, that is how he always wanted it to be, lol.  We had some of his friends over and released some balloons.  We spent the day just hanging out and remembering him,  His best friend brought some pics that he had found on the computer.

But I want to share a story with y'all that my mom, Michael's nanny, told me....

 She has a picture of Michael on her night stand, next to her bed, and she told me, every night when she goes in her room to go to bed, the bulb is unscrewed in the lamp, and this is EVERY NIGHT, so finally she says, "Now, Michael, we can't be doing this every night", and as soon as she said that, the light bulb burst.  See I knew Mikey would find his little ways to let us know he is still with us and around us.

I really miss him, and that will never change, right now my heart still hurts, more and more, I guess it will change over time, I do not know, I'm learning as I go......

I will start keeping up with this again...I promise, lol

I love you, Michael, See You When I See You.......

So I have written in here in awhile, and I apologize for that, not only to myself but to Michael.  It's just that I miss him so much, I don't know what to do anymore.

Do you know how heartbreaking it is to watch as they roll your baby's body out on a stretcher covered by some velvety looking thing, and yes, I know he wasn't A baby but he was MY baby.  That picture just keeps popping back up in my head here lately for some reason and I don't know how to stop it.

At my last Dr. appointment, they kept asking me if I feel like I wanna hurt myself, or do I cut myself or anything like that, NO I DO NOT, I just want my son back is all that's wrong with me, and this stupid physical pain that I am constantly haunted by that they don't want to do anything about.

And I am so sick of the effing idiots where Mikey was living, talking about how hard they have it, or what they are going through, HELLO, you LET MY SON DIE, be glad you are alive!!!!! now bitch about me saying that...

I really miss him alot, the other day Ayden was on the phone with me and he asked me, "Where's Michael?"  I am glad he isn't forgetting his uncle, but it about broke my heart....

I still don't know how I am doing it,I just am here, I am alive but am I living, I really don't think so.....

Sometimes ALL of it is TOO MUCH to take considering everything that has happened in just a year....

All that matters I guess is that Michael, I love you and I'll See You When I See You....

just wondering, and talking to Michael..

So I have been wondering...alot lately, did you know something, were they afraid you were gonna tell, were you a threat to them about something, did you know too much, I cant answer these questions for sure, but I think I am right, there is no other explanation...it doesn't make sense.....one day the truth will come out though...

Well let me just tell y'all that I talk to Michael all the time, sometimes when I talk to him, I ask him to talk to God for me, well he must have done it, because the things I asked for help with, seem to be happening, and I mean as soon as the next day, it just amazes me sometimes.

I miss you more than ever, the last few days have been extremely hard and I'm not even sure why, it's been a little worse than normal.

The other day I heard someone say, " when you lose a child, it's not something you will EVER get over, it's just something you have to learn to live with"  I believe that to be true.

Sitting here I can usually handle writing to you and about you, but not today, so I will close for now...

I love you Michael, See You When I See You....miss you bunches.....