Well, this is going to be a random post, but I guess they all have been, lol. So last night, I logged on to Michael's Facebook account to see if there were any new messages or anything, well, there was a new pic, of Michael and I, that my niece, Tammy Lynn, had taken back in November when they had came out to visit. I had completely forgot about that picture, but I am so glad she posted it, I love you, Tammy Lynn.
Well this is the end of the 4th month that my little boy is not coming home. It's still sometimes hard for to remember that I can't pick up my phone and text him, or that he won't be texting me saying, hey momma, are you awake.....and that makes me sad.
I try to just keep remembering his beautiful smile and his innocent laugh and how every time he and I would go somewhere we would see something happen that would make us both laugh til we cried, and it's memories like this that I am especially thankful for.
I really do miss him, though, it's an everyday, for the rest of our lives kinda thing, I guess, took me awhile to face it, well that sounds like the beginning of a great country song, lol.
Well I know everyone is gonna be celebrating memorial day today, so I'm gonna end this now. Everyone please stay safe and thanks for reading.
I Love You, Michael, See You When I See You!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
not sure what this is all about....
So i decided it was time for me to write a new post, but I have a million things going through my head and not sure of things i should and should not write about, but one thing I do and will ALWAYS know for sure, is, I MISS MY SON! AND I don't mind letting everyone know that YES I DO BLAME THE IDIOTS HE LIVED WITH!!!! I hope God still loves me even though, right now, I cannot forgive them, maybe I will in time, I'm not sure, but for now, it's a no.
I have been thinking alot lately about the kids father, and just how he NEVER did and NEVER has taken responsibility for ANYTHING that he has ever done, he blames me for EVERYTHING that went wrong in our marriage, now I know I am not perfect and have never claimed to be, but dammit it wasn't ALL my fault, I take the blame for my part, so why cant HE do the same, and why does it bother me so much? You know, I used to tell the kids when they were little, that no matter what, their daddy loved them, and I would never let them bad mouth him, and I never did in front of them, but dammit, I am soooooo over that, he is such a worthless piece of s**t, who gave me and MY daughter hell over permissions to cremate MY son, and then the sorry ass didn't even come to his own sons funeral, and yes I say MY because he is NEVER there for them. His excuse was he didn't have time to arrange to take his daughter out of school, OK LOSER, leave her at home with HER mom and you come, and at least be there for your son the last time you are EVER gonna have the chance too. It just burns me up, and I am so sorry for venting on here but i need to let it out, and I know y'all are here for me. But it really just breaks my heart to think that he did that to Michael, it's like one last F**k off, what a sorry bastard.
I have never been and will never be the PERFECT mom, but one thing my kids ALWAYS knew and will ALWAYS know, is that I am here for them, no matter what.......
I love you Michael, See You When I See You
I have been thinking alot lately about the kids father, and just how he NEVER did and NEVER has taken responsibility for ANYTHING that he has ever done, he blames me for EVERYTHING that went wrong in our marriage, now I know I am not perfect and have never claimed to be, but dammit it wasn't ALL my fault, I take the blame for my part, so why cant HE do the same, and why does it bother me so much? You know, I used to tell the kids when they were little, that no matter what, their daddy loved them, and I would never let them bad mouth him, and I never did in front of them, but dammit, I am soooooo over that, he is such a worthless piece of s**t, who gave me and MY daughter hell over permissions to cremate MY son, and then the sorry ass didn't even come to his own sons funeral, and yes I say MY because he is NEVER there for them. His excuse was he didn't have time to arrange to take his daughter out of school, OK LOSER, leave her at home with HER mom and you come, and at least be there for your son the last time you are EVER gonna have the chance too. It just burns me up, and I am so sorry for venting on here but i need to let it out, and I know y'all are here for me. But it really just breaks my heart to think that he did that to Michael, it's like one last F**k off, what a sorry bastard.
I have never been and will never be the PERFECT mom, but one thing my kids ALWAYS knew and will ALWAYS know, is that I am here for them, no matter what.......
I love you Michael, See You When I See You
Friday, May 20, 2011
The Sharp Knife of a Short Life...
Yes Michael's life ended way to soon, he was supposed to grow up, get married, have babies with the love of his life, but that will never happen, but I did hear that a certain someone got married, well, isn't that nice, and only four months after her boyfriend passes away, partly because they just let him die.......I highly doubt that she will ever even read any of my blogs but oh well, it just really bugs me that she never once tried to give me an apology or tell me her version of the story, you know, we have heard so many, one more can't hurt, and I know I need to move on, why not, it seems they all have.......i just wish the low life that took his wallet had the balls to come forward and and give it back, but that wont happen because EVERYONE in that house or who used to be in that house is low life scum and not worth the dirt on the bottom of my shoes........
OK Sorry, i had to vent, now i have another funny memory from the kids childhood that i would love to share with y'all, and even though most of them involve Bethany, I swear, baby girl, I am not picking on you, lol...so here goes......
It was summer time, and I was still married to my ex husband Richard, we were all at my step daughter's softball practice, well, Bethany and Michael and I think Jeffrey too, had gone over to another part of this field to play, everything was going good, we were all having a great time, not before I tell y'all what i happened, I need to explain something, so you will understand the story, Michael and Jeffrey were both born with an immune deficiency (for those of you that didn't know this), It's called bruton's x-linked aggammaglobulinemia, and they had to get an IV every month, so to make it easier, since i did it at home, they both had mediports put in, and part of the tube was in their neck, now this was in their vein but you could still see it a little, i mean you could tell where it was, so now here they are all playing and i can see Michael, in the distance, walking toward me, and as he gets closer, i see that he has his hand on his neck, over the spot where the tube is, the next thing i see if RED, running everywhere and his little back is covered in it...BLOOD!!! omg I freak out because the first thing i think is, that he has somehow cut his neck and the tube or something and he is about to bleed to death, then here comes Bethany scared to death, it seems he was aggravating her so she popped him in the back of the head with a rock and that;s where all the blood was coming from. So we all load up in the front seat of the truck we had, and rush to the hospital, all the way there, Bethany was crying and kept saying, I'm so sorry momma, is he gonna die.....we get to the hospital and he just has to have 4 staples in the back of his head and the nurses gave him the nickname Rocky, lmao. he was fine and so was Bethany.
It's just little things like this, that I look back on and smile, and I know he is smiling with me....
I love you Michael, See You When I See You.
OK Sorry, i had to vent, now i have another funny memory from the kids childhood that i would love to share with y'all, and even though most of them involve Bethany, I swear, baby girl, I am not picking on you, lol...so here goes......
It was summer time, and I was still married to my ex husband Richard, we were all at my step daughter's softball practice, well, Bethany and Michael and I think Jeffrey too, had gone over to another part of this field to play, everything was going good, we were all having a great time, not before I tell y'all what i happened, I need to explain something, so you will understand the story, Michael and Jeffrey were both born with an immune deficiency (for those of you that didn't know this), It's called bruton's x-linked aggammaglobulinemia, and they had to get an IV every month, so to make it easier, since i did it at home, they both had mediports put in, and part of the tube was in their neck, now this was in their vein but you could still see it a little, i mean you could tell where it was, so now here they are all playing and i can see Michael, in the distance, walking toward me, and as he gets closer, i see that he has his hand on his neck, over the spot where the tube is, the next thing i see if RED, running everywhere and his little back is covered in it...BLOOD!!! omg I freak out because the first thing i think is, that he has somehow cut his neck and the tube or something and he is about to bleed to death, then here comes Bethany scared to death, it seems he was aggravating her so she popped him in the back of the head with a rock and that;s where all the blood was coming from. So we all load up in the front seat of the truck we had, and rush to the hospital, all the way there, Bethany was crying and kept saying, I'm so sorry momma, is he gonna die.....we get to the hospital and he just has to have 4 staples in the back of his head and the nurses gave him the nickname Rocky, lmao. he was fine and so was Bethany.
It's just little things like this, that I look back on and smile, and I know he is smiling with me....
I love you Michael, See You When I See You.
Friday, May 13, 2011
this one will make you laugh...sorry Bethy....
Well first off, let me say, I have new followers, I see, yay, I'm up to five now, I just wonder if any of the LOSERS, that Mikey was living with, ever read this.....I hope so, and I hope they know that someday they will pay for what they did.....
Anyway, enough venting, I was sitting on the couch, the other day, watching tv and thinking about when the kids were little, and I remembered something soooo funny, well it wasn't at the time, but it is now, so here goes...
I was still married to the kids FATHER ( I use THAT term loosely) and Michael was just a couple of months old, and Bethany was such the little mother and always wanting to help. Well, we had just moved into a double wide mobile home, we had boxes everywhere, and let me say, we only had one car and the kids father decided to take the day off from unpacking and stuff, as usual, and go play golf, in the ONLY car we had, leaving me there with all three kids and the unpacking, to finish all by myself.
Well, it turns out, there was only one phone jack in this house, and it was way back in the bedroom, and wouldn't you know it, the phone rings....Jeffrey, (for those of you that don't know, that is Critter, well he was playing, I had Michael laying on the floor on a blanket, and Bethy was playing too, so I run back to answer the phone really quick, thinking nothing would happen, everything was in boxes, no harm.
When all of a sudden i hear Michael start screaming at the top of his little baby lungs, so I run, yes, back then, i COULD run, lol, anyway, I get in the living room where the kids are and Jeffrey looks at me and says, " Bethy poured that stuff on Michael that you always pour on him" I said, "What stuff?" He picks up a can of lighter fluid and says baby oil! OMG, I freaked out, and Michael's face was blood red and Bethy was scared, so since I didn't have a car, I had to call 911.
Now here is my precious little baby, covered in lighter fluid, and all I could of was, God I NEED a cigarette, no I did not light one. So the ambulance came, and here we all go, to the ER, turns out he didn't swallow any of it, thank goodness, he just had it in his eyes and it was irritating his skin. Poor Little Mikey, lol, I felt so bad for going to answer the phone that day. But we survived, the 4 musketeers, just like we always did.......
I love you Mikey
See You When I See You!
Anyway, enough venting, I was sitting on the couch, the other day, watching tv and thinking about when the kids were little, and I remembered something soooo funny, well it wasn't at the time, but it is now, so here goes...
I was still married to the kids FATHER ( I use THAT term loosely) and Michael was just a couple of months old, and Bethany was such the little mother and always wanting to help. Well, we had just moved into a double wide mobile home, we had boxes everywhere, and let me say, we only had one car and the kids father decided to take the day off from unpacking and stuff, as usual, and go play golf, in the ONLY car we had, leaving me there with all three kids and the unpacking, to finish all by myself.
Well, it turns out, there was only one phone jack in this house, and it was way back in the bedroom, and wouldn't you know it, the phone rings....Jeffrey, (for those of you that don't know, that is Critter, well he was playing, I had Michael laying on the floor on a blanket, and Bethy was playing too, so I run back to answer the phone really quick, thinking nothing would happen, everything was in boxes, no harm.
When all of a sudden i hear Michael start screaming at the top of his little baby lungs, so I run, yes, back then, i COULD run, lol, anyway, I get in the living room where the kids are and Jeffrey looks at me and says, " Bethy poured that stuff on Michael that you always pour on him" I said, "What stuff?" He picks up a can of lighter fluid and says baby oil! OMG, I freaked out, and Michael's face was blood red and Bethy was scared, so since I didn't have a car, I had to call 911.
Now here is my precious little baby, covered in lighter fluid, and all I could of was, God I NEED a cigarette, no I did not light one. So the ambulance came, and here we all go, to the ER, turns out he didn't swallow any of it, thank goodness, he just had it in his eyes and it was irritating his skin. Poor Little Mikey, lol, I felt so bad for going to answer the phone that day. But we survived, the 4 musketeers, just like we always did.......
I love you Mikey
See You When I See You!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Mother's Day and a long line of firsts....
Well first of all, let me say, I had an amazing mothers day. I had so much fun, but.....it was hard to NOT break down in front of everyone, but I didn't wanna take away from their fun and all they were trying to do for me. I do know that Michael was strong on Sunday, I could feel he was with us and I missed him so much that my words will NEVER be able to express exactly how much.....
OK so, now to this list, I do not like it one bit.....On January the 8th 2011 I started a new list of firsts, not an actual, writing it down list, but you know what I mean, so lets see, that day was THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE, and the first day of the rest of my life without my youngest son, and the first time I have lost someone SO close to me that I thought I was actually going to be the one to PROVE, YES YOU CAN DIE FROM HEARTBREAK! Also, I have had my first everyday of the week without Michael, the first week, the first month, the first birthday without a happy birthday from him, the first mothers day....and this list will just keep growing and never stop.
I am so sorry and I cannot help but STILL be pissed off at the frikkin IDIOTS (I'm being nice) that just let him lay there and die, like he was nothing....and just so you know, I never know what I'm going to say when I log onto this blog, I just know that I hope it will help me and you and maybe sometimes make us all laugh.
but the last time I was on here it was because I really felt, as we all as mothers have felt before, that Michael was crying and he needed me, I do not know WHAT it was but it was the STRONGEST that I have ever felt anything, and it was breaking my heart because I knew that no matter what I cannot be where he is....yet.
It breaks my heart the most when my little grandson, Ayden, looks at Uncle Michael's pictures and ask me, NeNe, can we go see him, where is Michael? Is he up in the sky with the angels? Or when we pass the funeral home he will say, "that's where we saw Michael." I do, however, think that it is so amazing, that when we get in my car, Ayden will say, " I wanna hear Michael's songs", (the two Jason Aldean songs from the funeral) and he can sing them BOTH, WORD for WORD, and he can sing really good for a 3 year old, but music does run in our family. I sometimes find myself wondering, could Michael sing, I know he could rap, but he would never "sing" in front of me, I do know he could play the guitar pretty good.
I always wanna tell my mom or my sister, and you know which one you are, lol, how much I miss him, but then we wouldn't be able to have a conversation because we would all be blubbering on the phone and not understand a word we were saying, which we already do that enough when we get to laughing, and when we have two of my sisters ,two of my nieces, and my daughter Bethy on the phone at once..its a blast though....
Well I guess that is enough for now, I do not want to ramble on too much and bore my whole 2 followers, lol...I will be back to write more in a day or two.....
I love you, Michael....See You When I See You, Son!
OK so, now to this list, I do not like it one bit.....On January the 8th 2011 I started a new list of firsts, not an actual, writing it down list, but you know what I mean, so lets see, that day was THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE, and the first day of the rest of my life without my youngest son, and the first time I have lost someone SO close to me that I thought I was actually going to be the one to PROVE, YES YOU CAN DIE FROM HEARTBREAK! Also, I have had my first everyday of the week without Michael, the first week, the first month, the first birthday without a happy birthday from him, the first mothers day....and this list will just keep growing and never stop.
I am so sorry and I cannot help but STILL be pissed off at the frikkin IDIOTS (I'm being nice) that just let him lay there and die, like he was nothing....and just so you know, I never know what I'm going to say when I log onto this blog, I just know that I hope it will help me and you and maybe sometimes make us all laugh.
but the last time I was on here it was because I really felt, as we all as mothers have felt before, that Michael was crying and he needed me, I do not know WHAT it was but it was the STRONGEST that I have ever felt anything, and it was breaking my heart because I knew that no matter what I cannot be where he is....yet.
It breaks my heart the most when my little grandson, Ayden, looks at Uncle Michael's pictures and ask me, NeNe, can we go see him, where is Michael? Is he up in the sky with the angels? Or when we pass the funeral home he will say, "that's where we saw Michael." I do, however, think that it is so amazing, that when we get in my car, Ayden will say, " I wanna hear Michael's songs", (the two Jason Aldean songs from the funeral) and he can sing them BOTH, WORD for WORD, and he can sing really good for a 3 year old, but music does run in our family. I sometimes find myself wondering, could Michael sing, I know he could rap, but he would never "sing" in front of me, I do know he could play the guitar pretty good.
I always wanna tell my mom or my sister, and you know which one you are, lol, how much I miss him, but then we wouldn't be able to have a conversation because we would all be blubbering on the phone and not understand a word we were saying, which we already do that enough when we get to laughing, and when we have two of my sisters ,two of my nieces, and my daughter Bethy on the phone at once..its a blast though....
Well I guess that is enough for now, I do not want to ramble on too much and bore my whole 2 followers, lol...I will be back to write more in a day or two.....
I love you, Michael....See You When I See You, Son!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Pissed off at God..
I'm not sure if it's OK, but i just cant help it, I am pissed off at God, not always, but sometimes, why did he have to take MY son, not that I wish he would have taken someone else's, I just wish he hadn't taken mine.
I was laying on the couch earlier, looking outside, and wishing Michael would just come walking through the door, with his awesome smile and those beautiful blue eyes, he would always say, "Hey Momma", man do I miss that.
And sometimes I think the only thing that helps me and gives me the strength to still be here is Ayden, not that I don't love ALL of my kids and my husband and my family, it's just that it is so hard. And I DO NOT understand, why the people he lived with, get to go on with their lives like they did nothing wrong, and I have to miss my son everyday for the rest of my life, his girlfriend, Niki, has a son, and guess what, she gets to see him and hold him and hug him......it just isn't fair, I swear if I wasn't in this physical pain that I am in 24/7, I would slap her face, I think I at least deserve to be able to do that!
And then, after all this, I ask God for forgiveness, because I know, how I feel isn't right, and that I am not supposed to feel this way, I mean other than the missing him and stuff, I shouldn't be blaming others and asking why...
I was just laying on my bed and thinking and missing Michael, it was one of my moments, so I thought I better get on here and write to see if it will make me feel better, well let me tell ya, it made feel worse before it made me better, but at least it helped get my tears out.......
who knew we could make so many tears, and I'm not done yet......
I was laying on the couch earlier, looking outside, and wishing Michael would just come walking through the door, with his awesome smile and those beautiful blue eyes, he would always say, "Hey Momma", man do I miss that.
And sometimes I think the only thing that helps me and gives me the strength to still be here is Ayden, not that I don't love ALL of my kids and my husband and my family, it's just that it is so hard. And I DO NOT understand, why the people he lived with, get to go on with their lives like they did nothing wrong, and I have to miss my son everyday for the rest of my life, his girlfriend, Niki, has a son, and guess what, she gets to see him and hold him and hug him......it just isn't fair, I swear if I wasn't in this physical pain that I am in 24/7, I would slap her face, I think I at least deserve to be able to do that!
And then, after all this, I ask God for forgiveness, because I know, how I feel isn't right, and that I am not supposed to feel this way, I mean other than the missing him and stuff, I shouldn't be blaming others and asking why...
I was just laying on my bed and thinking and missing Michael, it was one of my moments, so I thought I better get on here and write to see if it will make me feel better, well let me tell ya, it made feel worse before it made me better, but at least it helped get my tears out.......
who knew we could make so many tears, and I'm not done yet......
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