Well first of all, let me say, I had an amazing mothers day. I had so much fun, but.....it was hard to NOT break down in front of everyone, but I didn't wanna take away from their fun and all they were trying to do for me. I do know that Michael was strong on Sunday, I could feel he was with us and I missed him so much that my words will NEVER be able to express exactly how much.....
OK so, now to this list, I do not like it one bit.....On January the 8th 2011 I started a new list of firsts, not an actual, writing it down list, but you know what I mean, so lets see, that day was THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE, and the first day of the rest of my life without my youngest son, and the first time I have lost someone SO close to me that I thought I was actually going to be the one to PROVE, YES YOU CAN DIE FROM HEARTBREAK! Also, I have had my first everyday of the week without Michael, the first week, the first month, the first birthday without a happy birthday from him, the first mothers day....and this list will just keep growing and never stop.
I am so sorry and I cannot help but STILL be pissed off at the frikkin IDIOTS (I'm being nice) that just let him lay there and die, like he was nothing....and just so you know, I never know what I'm going to say when I log onto this blog, I just know that I hope it will help me and you and maybe sometimes make us all laugh.
but the last time I was on here it was because I really felt, as we all as mothers have felt before, that Michael was crying and he needed me, I do not know WHAT it was but it was the STRONGEST that I have ever felt anything, and it was breaking my heart because I knew that no matter what I cannot be where he is....yet.
It breaks my heart the most when my little grandson, Ayden, looks at Uncle Michael's pictures and ask me, NeNe, can we go see him, where is Michael? Is he up in the sky with the angels? Or when we pass the funeral home he will say, "that's where we saw Michael." I do, however, think that it is so amazing, that when we get in my car, Ayden will say, " I wanna hear Michael's songs", (the two Jason Aldean songs from the funeral) and he can sing them BOTH, WORD for WORD, and he can sing really good for a 3 year old, but music does run in our family. I sometimes find myself wondering, could Michael sing, I know he could rap, but he would never "sing" in front of me, I do know he could play the guitar pretty good.
I always wanna tell my mom or my sister, and you know which one you are, lol, how much I miss him, but then we wouldn't be able to have a conversation because we would all be blubbering on the phone and not understand a word we were saying, which we already do that enough when we get to laughing, and when we have two of my sisters ,two of my nieces, and my daughter Bethy on the phone at once..its a blast though....
Well I guess that is enough for now, I do not want to ramble on too much and bore my whole 2 followers, lol...I will be back to write more in a day or two.....
I love you, Michael....See You When I See You, Son!
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