I'm not sure if it's OK, but i just cant help it, I am pissed off at God, not always, but sometimes, why did he have to take MY son, not that I wish he would have taken someone else's, I just wish he hadn't taken mine.
I was laying on the couch earlier, looking outside, and wishing Michael would just come walking through the door, with his awesome smile and those beautiful blue eyes, he would always say, "Hey Momma", man do I miss that.
And sometimes I think the only thing that helps me and gives me the strength to still be here is Ayden, not that I don't love ALL of my kids and my husband and my family, it's just that it is so hard. And I DO NOT understand, why the people he lived with, get to go on with their lives like they did nothing wrong, and I have to miss my son everyday for the rest of my life, his girlfriend, Niki, has a son, and guess what, she gets to see him and hold him and hug him......it just isn't fair, I swear if I wasn't in this physical pain that I am in 24/7, I would slap her face, I think I at least deserve to be able to do that!
And then, after all this, I ask God for forgiveness, because I know, how I feel isn't right, and that I am not supposed to feel this way, I mean other than the missing him and stuff, I shouldn't be blaming others and asking why...
I was just laying on my bed and thinking and missing Michael, it was one of my moments, so I thought I better get on here and write to see if it will make me feel better, well let me tell ya, it made feel worse before it made me better, but at least it helped get my tears out.......
who knew we could make so many tears, and I'm not done yet......
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