Something I recently remembered....

So, most of you know, that when Michael was 14, he had a liver transplant, one of the things that has always touched my heart was during the time he was on the waiting list, I guess he overheard bits and pieces of conversations between the doctors and me.  We weren't sure if the donor was gonna be a live donor or what, i had volunteered and also a friend of mine had volunteered.

Well I remember the morning the call came, it was about 2 am, I was in the Ronald McDonald House, across the street from the hospital, they told me they had a perfect match....When I got to Michael's room, he was wide awake....he knew something was up, as soon as I told him, he said" I don't want it" I'm sure he was so very scared.

Anyway, the surgery took all day.  I remember sitting in the waiting room crying, I was so scared.  There was a lady sitting next to me and she was upset as well.  We started talking, she told me her son was supposed to have surgery but the surgeon had been called in to do an emergency liver transplant, i told her, that was my son, so there we sat both of us hugging each other and worried about our sons....

A few days later, when the surgeon came in to check on Michael, he grabbed the Dr and hugged him so tight and he he was crying, he told him, thank you for saving my life and he kept asking, "is the other kid alright"?  He didn't know, at that time, the donor was a 12 year old boy named Josh, who had been killed in a car accident, so we had to tell him.....i think he always felt guilty for that......


OK, whew...now the sad stuff out of the way, and i have had to stop for a minute........

We had gone down to Texas to visit my mom, after his surgery.....well he was on all these meds and some of them made his hair grow, almost uncontrollably, well his eyebrows were out of control, so we bought one of those little trimmers and he wanted me to trim them for him, so here we go, into my mom's bathroom, all the other kids waiting outside the door, well right when I started trimming, he coughed without warning me, well, there was a big gash right in the middle of his eyebrow...I didn't mean to laugh, and he was so mad...One of their little friends, she was so sweet, she did hers that way, just to make him feel better, lol

So I just wanted to share those two moments with y'all, both of them had been on my mind lately, so I figured Mikey must have wanted me to tell y'all the stories, I hope y'all enjoyed them.....

I miss him so much and I always will....


Love you Mikey, See You When I See You!

How and why did I forget????

Well, most of you know, that Michael had a liver transplant on September 4, 2002, and he and I used to always remember it on the day and we would talk about it.  We would NEVER forget, so why did i suddenly realize the other day, that i had forgotten the date that has always been so important to me...I felt so guilty, and it broke my heart.  I didn't mean to forget, I just wish i knew why I did.

I still miss Mikey more than ever, and I still break down and cry sometimes, and some days its an all day thing.....this is probably the most hurtful and heartbreaking thing I have ever had to try to survive, and not sure how much longer I can, all I can do is take it one day at a time....and it's something I hope anyone I know, never has to go through it......

Now on another note, I was sitting here thinking about when we were still living in Texas, before we ever moved out here to New Mexico, we were planting a garden one year, and we were discussing all the things we were going to plant, and Mikey came up to me and asked me if we could plant some bananas, lol, I told him yes....so after a few weeks of him asking me how they were doing, I snuck outside and buried some in the garden, I let him go and dig them up, he was so happy that we had grown bananas, lol, I NEVER told him what I had done, it's just another one of my special little memories that I will hold dear to my heart forever.

I don't know if anyone enjoys reading this, but it sure does help me to write it....and even if one person enjoys it, then I am thankful........


So I love you Mikey, and I will See You When I See You, and I will never stop loving or missing you my baby boy......

just remembering...

OK, well, I was thinking about this the other day, and thought I would share it with y'all....I might have told a couple people when it happened, not sure, but anyway, it has been on my mind....

I remember the minute the paramedic told me that Michael was gone, and from that very second I started thinking, if I could only hear him say I love you, one more time, if he could only tell me one more time....that's all i could think about and I even prayed, Dear God, please let him tell me one more time.  Well in our house on my side of the closet, there is a shelf above my clothes, I NEVER touch anything on this shelf, NEVER, because there isn't anything on it that I need, so after a couple of days of asking God to please let me know that Michael knew how much I loved him and let me know that he loved me, I opened the closet door for something, and there on the floor was a piece of paper.....It was a letter Michael had written to Gilbert and me last year. Now I know it wasn't there before, because it was right where I put my shoes and i would have seen it. 

Anyway, in the letter he was telling us how much he loved us both and h ow he had been struggling and he knew that everything was gonna be ok......

All I could do was cry because that letter just showed up, out of nowhere, my prayers had been answered.

I guess he has his little ways of letting us know he is with us. 

I know this pain will never go away, I'm not even sure if it will ease.  I miss my son so much and still don't understand, but I know he is up there watching over us now.....

So I just wanted to share that with y'all

I love you, Mikey, See You When I See You.......

It has been too long....

Well I know it has been awhile since I have written anything, and I will try to not do that anymore.  So, Sunday was Michael's birthday, we had cherry cheesecake just like he always asked for, I made 2, one for him and one for us, that is how he always wanted it to be, lol.  We had some of his friends over and released some balloons.  We spent the day just hanging out and remembering him,  His best friend brought some pics that he had found on the computer.

But I want to share a story with y'all that my mom, Michael's nanny, told me....

 She has a picture of Michael on her night stand, next to her bed, and she told me, every night when she goes in her room to go to bed, the bulb is unscrewed in the lamp, and this is EVERY NIGHT, so finally she says, "Now, Michael, we can't be doing this every night", and as soon as she said that, the light bulb burst.  See I knew Mikey would find his little ways to let us know he is still with us and around us.

I really miss him, and that will never change, right now my heart still hurts, more and more, I guess it will change over time, I do not know, I'm learning as I go......

I will start keeping up with this again...I promise, lol

I love you, Michael, See You When I See You.......

So I have written in here in awhile, and I apologize for that, not only to myself but to Michael.  It's just that I miss him so much, I don't know what to do anymore.

Do you know how heartbreaking it is to watch as they roll your baby's body out on a stretcher covered by some velvety looking thing, and yes, I know he wasn't A baby but he was MY baby.  That picture just keeps popping back up in my head here lately for some reason and I don't know how to stop it.

At my last Dr. appointment, they kept asking me if I feel like I wanna hurt myself, or do I cut myself or anything like that, NO I DO NOT, I just want my son back is all that's wrong with me, and this stupid physical pain that I am constantly haunted by that they don't want to do anything about.

And I am so sick of the effing idiots where Mikey was living, talking about how hard they have it, or what they are going through, HELLO, you LET MY SON DIE, be glad you are alive!!!!! now bitch about me saying that...

I really miss him alot, the other day Ayden was on the phone with me and he asked me, "Where's Michael?"  I am glad he isn't forgetting his uncle, but it about broke my heart....

I still don't know how I am doing it,I just am here, I am alive but am I living, I really don't think so.....

Sometimes ALL of it is TOO MUCH to take considering everything that has happened in just a year....

All that matters I guess is that Michael, I love you and I'll See You When I See You....

just wondering, and talking to Michael..

So I have been wondering...alot lately, did you know something, were they afraid you were gonna tell, were you a threat to them about something, did you know too much, I cant answer these questions for sure, but I think I am right, there is no other explanation...it doesn't make sense.....one day the truth will come out though...

Well let me just tell y'all that I talk to Michael all the time, sometimes when I talk to him, I ask him to talk to God for me, well he must have done it, because the things I asked for help with, seem to be happening, and I mean as soon as the next day, it just amazes me sometimes.

I miss you more than ever, the last few days have been extremely hard and I'm not even sure why, it's been a little worse than normal.

The other day I heard someone say, " when you lose a child, it's not something you will EVER get over, it's just something you have to learn to live with"  I believe that to be true.

Sitting here I can usually handle writing to you and about you, but not today, so I will close for now...

I love you Michael, See You When I See You....miss you bunches.....

Walking away and looking back...

I was thinking all weekend, Michael was on my mind really strong, all I could think about was when i said my final goodbye, leaned down to kiss him, walked away from him and tried not to look back one last time, but I just had too, and when I did I got a from birth til then super fast slide show of my baby's  life. Knowing that this time, when i said bye, it would be the LAST time.  I miss him so much.  I know I will see him again someday, but that doesn't ease my pain, and I don't think it will until that day finally arrives.

Critter was standing outside, the other day, in our front yard, and I just caught a glimpse, but it took my breath away for a minute, because, for a split second, it looked EXACTLY like Mikey, and it's just little things like that, that set me off, and I have one of my "moments".  Mostly I have them at night when I am all alone, just me and my thoughts, but sometimes, I don't have a choice and they just happen whenever.

In case you don't know, it's the hardest thing you will ever do, to walk away from your child's coffin, I would have traded places with him in a heartbeat.

For those of you who never had the chance to know my son, he was the most amazing person. He had a huge heart of gold, and he would help anyone.  He had the most beautiful and shy smile, and his eyes were the bluest blue.  He was very quiet until you got to know him and even then still pretty laid back.  He had some really awesome friends, and yea sometimes some friends that weren't really friends at all, and its those people that led to where he is now.

One of these days, they are gonna slip up and they will have to pay for what they have done, or maybe they will finally step and do the right thing and admit it, but I highly doubt that.

Well I think I am good for now, I just had to let some things out...thanks for reading


I love You Mikey, See You When I See You!

our little talks..

I sure do miss the little talks that we used to have, when non one was around, and it was just you and me hanging out.  I think we could talk about anything, and I still talk to you, and I pray you can hear me.  The last couple of nights, haven't been good, you were on my mind more than usual.  I wish, everyday, that I could turn back time, and I still pray to God and ask him to please let you come home, yea I know how silly that is but i guess it's just the mother in me, I MISS MY SON!

I hate counting the minutes, hours, days, weeks months that you have been gone, it's not fair and I wish I could change it.

Right now, I am working on something, I don't know if it could be called a poem or what, but I do anything to try to bring some kind of peace, but so far, nothing works, in the end you are still not here, and in the end it is still somebodies stupidity and still someones fault.  I always tried to teach you kids to not hate, so I hope God can forgive me because I HATE the bastards that let this happen to you. And yea, I know, everyone says you are in a better place and I know that's true and they say oh you are here in spirit, but I want you HERE....NOW.....

I really miss you Michael, and I just pray that you know that.....

I love you, Son
See You When I See You...

thank goodness we have pics......

Well, this is going to be a random post, but I guess they all have been, lol.  So last night, I logged on to Michael's Facebook account to see if there were any new messages or anything, well, there was a new pic, of Michael and I, that my niece, Tammy Lynn, had taken back in November when they had came out to visit. I had completely forgot about that picture, but I am so glad she posted it, I love you, Tammy Lynn.

Well this is the end of the 4th month that my little boy is not coming home.  It's still sometimes hard for to remember that I can't pick up my phone and text him, or that he won't be texting me saying, hey momma, are you awake.....and that makes me sad.

I try to just keep remembering his beautiful smile and his innocent laugh and how every time he and I would go somewhere we would see something happen that would make us both laugh til we cried, and it's memories like this that I am especially thankful for.

I really do miss him, though, it's an everyday, for the rest of our lives kinda thing, I guess, took me awhile to face it, well that sounds like the beginning of a great country song, lol.

Well I know everyone is gonna be celebrating memorial day today, so I'm gonna end this now.  Everyone please stay safe and thanks for reading.

I Love You, Michael, See You When I See You!

not sure what this is all about....

So i decided it was time for me to write a new post, but I have a million things going through my head and not sure of things i should and should not write about, but one thing I do and will ALWAYS know for sure, is, I MISS MY SON! AND I don't mind letting everyone know that YES I DO BLAME THE IDIOTS HE LIVED WITH!!!!  I hope God still loves me even though, right now, I cannot forgive them, maybe I will in time, I'm not sure, but for now, it's a no.

I have been thinking alot lately about the kids father, and just how he NEVER did and NEVER has taken responsibility for ANYTHING that he has ever done, he blames me for EVERYTHING that went wrong in our marriage, now I know I am not perfect and have never claimed to be, but dammit it wasn't ALL my fault, I take the blame for my part, so why cant HE do the same, and why does it bother me so much?  You know, I used to tell the kids when they were little, that no matter what, their daddy loved them, and I would never let them bad mouth him, and I never did in front of them, but dammit, I am soooooo over that, he is such a worthless piece of s**t, who gave me and MY daughter hell over permissions to cremate MY son, and then the sorry ass didn't even come to his own sons funeral, and yes I say MY because he is NEVER there for them. His excuse was he didn't have time to arrange to take his daughter out of school, OK LOSER, leave her at home with HER mom and you come, and at least be there for your son the last time you are EVER gonna have the chance too.  It just burns me up, and I am so sorry for venting on here but i need to let it out, and I know y'all are here for me. But it really just breaks my heart to think that he did that to Michael, it's like one last F**k off, what a sorry bastard.

I have never been and will never be the PERFECT mom, but one thing my kids ALWAYS knew and will ALWAYS know, is that I am here for them, no matter what.......

I love you Michael, See You When I See You

The Sharp Knife of a Short Life...

Yes Michael's life ended way to soon, he was supposed to grow up, get married, have babies with the love of his life, but that will never happen, but I did hear that a certain someone got married, well, isn't that nice, and only four months after her boyfriend passes away, partly because they just let him die.......I highly doubt that she will ever even read any of my blogs but oh well, it just really bugs me that she never once tried to give me an apology or tell me her version of the story,  you know, we have heard so many, one more can't hurt, and I know I need to move on, why not, it seems they all have.......i just wish the low life that took his wallet had the balls to come forward and and give it back, but that wont happen because EVERYONE in that house or who used to be in that house is low life scum and not worth the dirt on the bottom of my shoes........

OK Sorry, i had to vent, now i have another funny memory from the kids childhood that i would love to share with y'all, and even though most of them involve Bethany, I swear, baby girl, I am not picking on you, lol...so here goes......

It was summer time, and I was still married to my ex husband Richard, we were all at my step daughter's softball practice, well, Bethany and Michael and I think Jeffrey too, had gone over to another part of this field to play, everything was going good, we were all having a great time, not before I tell y'all what i happened, I need to explain something, so you will understand the story, Michael and Jeffrey were both born with an immune deficiency (for those of you that didn't know this), It's called bruton's x-linked aggammaglobulinemia, and they had to get an IV every month, so to make it easier, since i did it at home, they both had mediports put in, and part of the tube was in their neck, now this was in their vein but you could still see it a little, i mean you could tell where it was, so now here they are all playing and i can see Michael, in the distance, walking toward me, and as he gets closer, i see that he has his hand on his neck, over the spot where the tube is, the next thing i see if RED, running everywhere and his little back is covered in it...BLOOD!!!  omg I freak out because the first thing i think is, that he has somehow cut his neck and the tube or something and he is about to bleed to death, then here comes Bethany scared to death, it seems he was aggravating her so she popped him in the back of the head with a rock and that;s where all the blood was coming from.  So we all load up in the front seat of the truck we had, and rush to the hospital, all the way there, Bethany was crying and kept saying, I'm so sorry momma, is he gonna die.....we get to the hospital and he just has to have 4 staples in the back of his head and the nurses gave him the nickname Rocky, lmao.  he was fine and so was Bethany.

It's just little things like this, that I look back on and smile, and I know he is smiling with me....

I love you Michael, See You When I See You.

this one will make you laugh...sorry Bethy....

Well first off, let me say, I have new followers, I see, yay, I'm up to five now, I just wonder if any of the LOSERS, that Mikey was living with, ever read this.....I hope so, and I hope they know that someday they will pay for what they did.....

Anyway, enough venting, I was sitting on the couch, the other day, watching tv and thinking about when the kids were little, and I remembered something soooo funny, well it wasn't at the time, but it is now, so here goes...

I was still married to the kids FATHER ( I use THAT term loosely) and Michael was just a couple of months old, and Bethany was such the little mother and always wanting to help.  Well, we had just moved into a double wide mobile home, we had boxes everywhere, and let me say, we only had one car and the kids father decided to take the day off from unpacking and stuff, as usual, and go play golf, in the ONLY car we had, leaving me there with all three kids and the unpacking, to finish all by myself.

 Well, it turns out, there was only one phone jack in this house, and it was way back in the bedroom, and wouldn't you know it, the phone rings....Jeffrey, (for those of you that don't know, that is Critter, well he was playing, I had Michael laying on the floor on a blanket, and Bethy was playing too, so I run back to answer the phone really quick, thinking nothing would happen, everything was in boxes, no harm.

When all of a sudden i hear Michael start screaming at the top of his little baby lungs, so I run, yes, back then, i COULD run, lol, anyway, I get in the living room where the kids are and Jeffrey looks at me and says, " Bethy poured that stuff on Michael that you always pour on him"  I said, "What stuff?"  He picks up a can of lighter fluid and says baby oil!  OMG, I freaked out, and Michael's face was blood red and Bethy was scared, so since I didn't have a car, I had to call 911.

 Now here is my precious little baby, covered in lighter fluid, and all I could of was, God I NEED a cigarette, no I did not light one.  So the ambulance came, and here we all go, to the ER, turns out he didn't swallow any of it, thank goodness, he just had it in his eyes and it was irritating his skin. Poor Little Mikey, lol, I felt so bad for going to answer the phone that day.  But we survived, the 4 musketeers, just like we always did.......

I love you Mikey


See You When I See You!

Mother's Day and a long line of firsts....

Well first of all, let me say, I had an amazing mothers day.  I had so  much fun, but.....it was hard to NOT break down in front of everyone, but I didn't wanna take away from their fun and all they were trying to do for me.  I do know that Michael was strong on Sunday, I could feel he was with us and I missed him so much that my words will NEVER be able to express exactly how much.....

OK so, now to this list, I do not like it one bit.....On January the 8th 2011 I started a new list of firsts, not an actual, writing it down list, but you know what I mean, so lets see, that day was THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE, and the first day of the rest of my life without my youngest son, and the first time I have lost someone SO close to me that I thought I was actually going to be the one to PROVE, YES YOU CAN DIE FROM HEARTBREAK!  Also, I have had my first everyday of the week without Michael, the first week, the first month, the first birthday without a happy birthday from him, the first mothers day....and this list will just keep growing and never stop.

I am so sorry and I cannot help but STILL be pissed off at the frikkin IDIOTS (I'm being nice) that just let him lay there and die, like he was nothing....and just so you know, I never know what I'm going to say when I log onto this blog, I just know that I hope it will help me and  you and maybe sometimes make us all laugh.

but the last time I was on here it was because I really felt, as we all as mothers have felt before, that Michael was crying and he needed me, I do not know WHAT it was but it was the STRONGEST that I have ever felt anything, and it was breaking my heart because I knew that no matter what I cannot be where he is....yet.

It breaks my heart the most when my little grandson, Ayden, looks at Uncle Michael's pictures and ask me, NeNe, can we go see him, where is Michael? Is he up in the sky with the angels?  Or when we pass the funeral home he will say, "that's where we saw Michael."  I do, however, think that it is so amazing, that when we get in my car, Ayden will say, " I wanna hear Michael's songs", (the two Jason Aldean songs from the funeral) and he can sing them BOTH, WORD for WORD, and he can sing really good for a 3 year old, but music does run in our family.  I sometimes find myself wondering, could Michael sing, I know he could rap, but he would never "sing" in front of me, I do know he could play the guitar pretty good.

I always wanna tell my mom or my sister, and you know which one you are, lol, how much I miss him, but then we wouldn't be able to have a conversation because we would all be blubbering on the phone and not understand a word we were saying, which we already do that enough when we get to laughing, and when we have two of my sisters ,two of my nieces, and my daughter Bethy on the phone at once..its a blast though....


Well I guess that is enough for now, I do not want to ramble on too much and bore my whole 2 followers, lol...I will be back to write more in a day or two.....

I love you, Michael....See You When I See You, Son!

Pissed off at God..

I'm not sure if it's OK, but i just cant help it, I am pissed off at God, not always, but sometimes, why did he have to take MY son, not that I wish he would have taken someone else's, I just wish he hadn't taken mine.

I was laying on the couch earlier, looking outside, and wishing Michael would just come walking through the door, with his awesome smile and those beautiful blue eyes, he would always say, "Hey Momma", man do I miss that.

And sometimes I think the only thing that helps me and gives me the strength to still be here is Ayden, not that I don't love ALL of my kids and my husband and my family, it's just that it is so hard.  And I DO NOT understand, why the people he lived with, get to go on with their lives like they did nothing wrong, and I have to miss my son everyday for the rest of my life, his girlfriend, Niki, has a son, and guess what, she gets to see him and hold him and hug him......it just isn't fair, I swear if I wasn't in this physical pain that I am in 24/7, I would slap her face, I think I at least deserve to be able to do that!

And then, after all this, I ask God for forgiveness, because I know, how I feel isn't right, and that I am not supposed to feel this way, I mean other than the missing him and stuff, I shouldn't be blaming others and asking why...

I was just laying on my bed and thinking and missing Michael, it was one of my moments, so I thought I better get on here and write to see if it will make me feel better, well let me tell ya, it made feel worse before it made me better, but at least it helped get my tears out.......


who knew we could make so many tears, and I'm not done yet......

16 Weeks

Today is 16 weeks that Michael has been gone.  I guess I should go ahead and let those of you that don't know, know....on the autopsy report, cause of death is:  Pneumonia due to mixed drug (Xanax and Oxycontin) and alcohol, But, and this is the part that bugs me the MOST...he survived  SEVERAL HOURS in a coma, so he could have been saved, if they would have called 911 right then, when they knew he needed help or if they would have called us....I know we cant bring him back, but it just pisses me off so much to know that they basically LET him die, and it is kinda strange that someone took the time to get his wallet out of the pants he was wearing and took his ID and Social Security Card, and WHY would they do that.....your guess is as good as mine.....

OK so I'm done with that, I had another memory I want to share, I think its kinda funny and I hope you do too.  I was in the living room and all three of my  kids were in one of their rooms, and I could here them talking, it was when we still lived in Texas and I was still married to their first step dad, and I decided to sneak over by the door and listen to the conversation, they were talking about how he was a pretty "neat" guy and he was fun "sometimes"  well when they "caught" me listening, they started telling me, "mom, we don't want you to have anymore kids, can't you get one of those things where you cant have anymore kids.....you know, a lobotomy" OMG I thought I was gonna die from laughter, but isn't it these little silly things that we will remember for the rest of our lives, I don't think I will EVER forget it.

Its weird, how every little thing that I remember, makes me miss him that much more and wish even more that he was still here with us, and just like yesterday, we were all loading up to go over to Bethy's new home and first thing I thought was, Mikey should be here with us.......and we know he is in our hearts but its not the same.

Some days I feel like my heart is gonna explode because it cant take it anymore, I never knew I was capable of THIS much love...its awesome to know but at the same time it's sad that I had to find out this way.

I know this post is kinda boring for some of you, maybe, I don't know, I'm guessing, but I need to stop because here come the tears and I cant see to type anymore, I would like to ask that you say a prayer for my mother, she is back in the hospital, they think she has had, or is having a heart attack....so please keep us in your prayers, I cannot lose her yet, I still need her.......

Every time the phone rings...

Well yesterday I answered the phone and it was a mans voice, he asked for Michael, my heart stopped for a minute, I had to tell someone else that my son had passed away......I HATE that, it still breaks my heart even more, and then I have to cry for a minute, I miss my son sooo much, I don't think I can ever really express exactly how much I do miss him, and I don't think anyone will REALLY ever comprehend unless you have lost someone THAT close to you.  I used to think I knew how someone felt after losing someone, but I didn't, NOW I do.

Well Michael's brother is home, I don't know how he is dealing with the loss of his only brother, and I'm afraid to ask, cause I'll just lose it again....

OK but anyway, enough of that, I gotta tell y'all, that when Michael was little oh he was so loving, he could never have just one kiss, he had to have bunches, lol, and no one had a smile like him, his little eyes just sparkled, and still did even when he was older, that is probably the ONLY thing their "father" ever gave them was their eyes.....

I remember one day Michael was outside playing and I was out there too, but I was going back in the house, at that time I was a smoker, so I threw my cigarette on the ground and walked inside, something told me to look out the window, I did, and what did I see?...Michael picked up my cigarette and was fixin to stick it in his mouth, I screamed and he jumped, lol...it was funny, the way he jumped.

Michael was also always scared, whenever we would give him a bath, he was so afraid that he was gonna go down the drain, not sure why, lol, but it was cute in a way....

You know, he had a ton of awesome and amazing and TRUE friends, but it was the people he started hanging out with just a few short months before he died, that led to his death, and I will ALWAYS believe that if he had not met them, OR if he had stopped being friends with them, he would still be with us, and I will NEVER think anything different, so please please please, choose your friends every carefully and kids if you are reading this, LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS PLEASE!

well I can feel I good cry coming on, and I need to stop writing until tomorrow, this is getting to me today, but I really hope if you are reading this, that you enjoy it......

telling the story and remembering little things.....

Ok I'm back but before I move on with the story, I have to tell you this, something that is so funny, I don't know why, but this keeps popping back up, lol.  I remember when Michael was starting kindergarten, we lived about 3 blocks from where Critter and Bethy went to school, but that's also where Michael would get on the bus.  Well this was going to be his first day to ride the bus, (let me just tell you this) Michael's school and their school looked EXACTLY the same..... so first I walked Michael to the school to catch the bus, I told him I loved him and gave him a kiss, I watched him get on the bus and watched it leave, I walked back home to get the other two, they still had about 45 minutes before their school started so we finished getting them ready and when it was time I walked them to school, when we got there, who did we see standing there....Michael, he had rode the bus to all the school and I guess he got confused and rode it back to their school, lmao, he looked so sad and cute at the same time, all I could do was hug him, so we walked back home and I drove him to his school, lol, I will NEVER forget that.......

So, Now back to the story, me and the kids drove down to Texas and met my sister's neighbor that she had been going on and on about, well we hit it off and he was great, long story short, we ended up moving back to Texas but when he came out here with me to check on my stuff in storage, he loved it here so much that we ended up back here in New Mexico...imagine that, lol. We got married on October 8,2005

It's been hard and we have all had our ups and downs just like everyone, and he and the boys sometimes had issues, but only because he didn't want them to end up where Michael ended up anyway, and we just wanted the best for all three of the kids.

Michael had moved in and out of the house a few times, I just wish he had moved back in again before this all happened, and MAYBE he would still be with us......

on with the story...

Ok so i am back,  all 3 of my kids were always happy, we didn't always have money and sometimes we struggled, but we stuck together no matter what...We were the 4 musketeers.

Things weren't working out too well in Texas so i met what i thought was Mr. Right and we ended up moving to New Mexico, well he turned out to be Mr. Wrong, but we stayed in New Mexico anyway.

In May of 2002 Michael got really sick and after a couple of hospitalizations, they sent us to Denver Children's Hospital, he went into liver failure and they put him on the waiting list for a transplant, Michael was 13 and had  his 14th birthday in the hospital.  He looked at me one day and asked me, " Mom, am I gonna die"  and i just knew that he wasn't so i said, " Baby, God didn't bring us this far just to let you die" And i was so not scared there, I just knew he was gonna be alright, even the doctors and nurses would tell me, that i was such a strong person, well that's because strong was the only choice i had...EVER.

So on September 4, 2002 he got his transplant, I still remember they told me, he will be out for 24 hours, but when i went to the recovery room he was wide awake...they had tubes everywhere and iv's. They had his hands strapped down so he couldn't pull out the tubes so he made a motion with his hand like he wanted to write, he couldn't talk because he had a tube down his throat.  So i gave him a pencil and i held the notepad, on it, he wrote, "WALK" i told him you cant walk right now, so he wrote, "DRINK" i told him no again, he wrote, "ICE" and again i had to tell him no, so he turned the pencil sideways and broke it with his thumb, and I knew he was gonna be ok for sure, then.

We ended up getting to go home in October and back to Critter and Bethany, it was great.

Life was good, we didn't have alot, but we had each other.

So the next summer around August of 2003, my sister Judy who lives in Texas, kept telling me when we would talk on the phone, " You need to come down and meet my neighbor, he is so cute and so sweet"  so finally I gave in and me and the kids loaded up for one of our many road trips that we took to Texas......I'll end here but you'll find out what happened with the neighbor, if you tune in tomorrow......see ya then!

This is the beginning....

Ok, so first off, let me say, I have never blogged before, so if you follow it, great and if you don't, then that's ok too.

Michael is my youngest son.  He was born August 7, 1988 and we lost him on January 8, 2011 but let me give you a little of our history so you can kinda get to know us. He was a big ole 10 pound baby (had to have emergency c-section).  He was so beautiful.  I remember the doctors telling me that the only way I could hold him is if someone actually picked him up for me and handed him to me for the first few days.  And my mother made some of his clothes, because we had bought all newborn things, thinking he would be a normal sized newborn...NOT.

I loved watching him grow, and his big brother and big sister, Jeffrey aka Critter and Bethany weren't quite sure what to make of him just yet, but they eventually came around and he was their little brother and they loved him and protected him ALWAYS, Well until he got big enough to want to play with their toys too, lol.  And soon enough they learned that once again, they had to share.

I will go ahead and skip ahead, and just to let you know, both of my boys were born with an immune deficiency called Bruton's X-linked Aggammaglobulinemia, and had to get an iv treatment every month for the rest of their lives. In the beginning, we made trips to the childrens hospital in Dallas Tx, it was hard for them to get a needle stuck in their little hands and arms so we had a mediport or portacath surgically placed and that made it alot easier on them.

Eventually we found a doctor closer to home in Fort Worth Texas, but i learned to do the treatments at home, so that really made it easier.

Me and their father had divorced and i was remarried, but it wasnt working out, so as not to bore you I am going to skip ahead just a little bit.........